Beans, Lemons, Gibblets, and Other Thoughts on a Year Gone By

As a furry kitty, I feel that it is important, every now and then, to take stock of my current life (one of nine) and review the activities of the people who feed me. And what better time for reflection than December 31st? So here's what went down at My House In Jersey in 2006 (that's 12036 in kitty years).

Olivia and I will remember 12036 as The Year of the Bean. In January, the four humans who live here started spending a lot of time sitting at the table and handing each other cards with pictures of beans on them. We think it's some kind of game. But the game became an obsession, especially for Daddy and that guy with the pretty hair. Fortunately, the bean enthusiasm has tapered off a bit lately, leaving everyone with more time to dish out gibblets.

The guy with the great hair met his weight loss goal and has been proudly modeling new pants since the end of August. During August, the whole house smelled of lemons. I'm not sure if the two are related.

Also, the guy with the stunning and fabulous locks met his idol, Sandra Bernhardt, and saw Madonna in concert. He seemed very excited to have finally seen Madonna, and he came home with many purple souvenirs.

That lady who takes care of me and Olivia when Mommy & Daddy abandon us to do things that are apparently much more important than cuddling with us got promoted, joined a competitive bocce ball team called the Beeyotcces, and finally saw Erasure in concert. In August, she drove from sea to shining sea with Friends Heather, Sean, and Keith. It was while she was away that the house smelled like lemons. Maybe she's what neutralizes the lemon scent.

Mommy & Daddy abandoned us several times this year. Early in the year, they went to New England with no regard for the fact that my sister was recovering from major invasive surgery and wearing a lampshade-style neck collar. We heard that the trip was to a wedding, where they celebrated the love of Friends Mike and Heather. What a load of crap. Then, in May, they further neglected us by taking off to Natchez so that Mommy could play in a music festival. I didn't even know she could play the saxophone! Then, just last week, they left us for 10 WHOLE DAYS to spend the holidays with their "family". As though we're not their family. Hmmph. At least we didn't have to listen to six hours of Rufus Wainwright during a bumpy car trip like we did last year.

Daddy started standing on his head a lot. We think he does it professionally. Also, he got his greencard. Whatever that is. Sometimes he gets upset and starts yelling about a bush. I don't know which bush he's talking about, but Olivia and I would be willing to chew on it for him. Both he and Mommy spend a lot of time waving white sticks at their television screen. Olivia and I think they might be possessed by demons. But as long as the demons remember to feed us, it's all good.

There were many scary visitors at My House In Jersey this year, including a guy, another guy, a lady, another lady, and then another lady. And then another lady.

Two fish died in this house in 2006. You'd think the people woud have let us eat them, but they didn't. Also, Mommy's other cat (who lived with Grandma & Grandpa) passed away. Everyone was sad, except me and Olivia who know that she was only on her third life.

The house itself underwent some changes as Mommy, Daddy, and that other lady painted the living room and the dining room. It looks the same to me. Mommy and Daddy also painted our room and moved the furniture around. I like sleeping in the big chair in the corner. Also, Mommy and Daddy worked hard to make the garden pretty, which is fine with us as long as it doesn't keep the squirrels away.

As for Olivia and me, we are still in hot pursuit of that bird on a stick. I think 2007 is the year we finally catch it. Right now, though, we're getting ready to head upstairs and hide. Mommy is baking things and placing veggies on a platter, which usually means that a bunch of annoying people are going to come over to be loud and scary. So as a closing thought, I just want to give a shout out to my sister Olivia: Happy New Year, little sister! I bet I catch that bird before you do.

Wail while you wake

and other possible titles for a small business in professional wailing

ok, my final rant of 2006

'F.D.A. Says Food From Cloned Animals Is Safe'

New York Times

Wtf
wTf
wtF
WTF
W.T.F

=

New years resolution: to finally become a full time vegetarian!

Lobbyists, lobbyists, will you ever learn that the world just doesn’t need you and your race of small minded business men/women, your fate will be the same as the rest of us.

second new years resolution: To finally join Peta

third new years resolution: set up a small business as a professional wailer for funerals


and now on a more positive note, GLOBAL problems attributed to climate change in 2006 include:

INDIA: Lohachara in the Bay of Bengal, submerged by rising sea levels, was the first inhabited island to be wiped out by global warming.

UK: Britain notched up its highest average temperature since records began in 1659.

EUROPE: The skiing industry in the Alps looks bleak after the warmest successive period for 500 years.

AFRICA: The Sahara desert continues to expand, turning farmland into sand and fueling civil war in Darfur, Sudan.

US VIRGIN ISLANDS: The Caribbean island group lost nearly half the coral reefs in study sites.

GREENLAND: Glaciers are melting, with a 250 per cent loss of ice.

AUSTRALIA: The bush-fire season is starting earlier and burning more fiercely.

Not to mention the 'Crack of Doom' in todays news

PS: I’m a realist, not a miserable bastard

My #46 tee shirt ...

... is relevant again!

Only Really Applicable to Those Obsessed with Stephen Colbert

Well, we weren't on tv! But a good time was had by all. I shall now report the highlights of our field trip to the Report.

We met the nicest woman in line with us named Suzanna who was born in Venezuela, but became a very successful Verizon employee and is now retired and living in Chapel Hill, N.C. I believe she is teaching math courses to MBAs at a University there. Anyway, she was obsessed with Stephen, and a pure joy to talk with. I was really surprised how varying his fans were. Anyway, Suzanna, her friend (who had never heard of Stephen Colbert) and the four of us all got to sit in the front row, lucky us!

The crowd was warmed up by a nice bald guy with a need to tell a lot of poop jokes, so Aaron and Moray were thoroughly amused. However, since a good portion of the audience was women over 50, he had to accommodate for taste, and ended up mostly picking on the audience at that point. Since we were in the front row, we (meaning all but myself) had some interaction with this guy; Beth Ann scared him by screaming "YEAH!" in the microphone really enthusiastically, he said Moray looked like an Eastern-European convict or something, and Aaron, who was the winner of the cameraman's tootsie-pop, got the most attention, since Bald Guy was mostly obsessed with Aaron's lovely locks. I believe he said "Your hair is really bothering me. I hope you have other problems in your life since you have such gorgeous hair," to which Aaron replied something like "I'm emotionally scarred and on medication." Except in a much funnier manner. Although quite honestly, I felt the worst for this poor frat guy who got a case of the runs, and had to leave in the middle of the warm up. Bald Guy had no problem addressing the state of his bowels when he returned from the bathroom.

Okay, so anyway, Stephen came out, and we were very lucky to watch the "toss" with Jon Stewart, usually that happens before the Colbert Report audience gets there. Stephen had never read his lines for that evening's toss, and didn't get through them the first time without dropping his head on his desk in a fit of the giggles. I believe the line was something like "Is your washing machine a danger to your children?" or something. Anyway, after that he hung out with the crowd a bit and answered questions "to humanize myself in your eyes", which was amusing. Then we in the front row got our hand-slaps as he ran back and forth, which we were very proud of. Sadly, he didn't do that in the actual taping, like he usually does, so we didn't end up on tv, har har.

So, if you are all still with me, I though the best part of the night was how awe-struck Suzanna was, and Stephen even stopped to shake hands with her at the end. What an adorable lady! I think her friend thought we were all insane. Oh well.

And that's my report on the Report!

Ciao, Maria