Suggested Resolutions

Always on the lookout for personal growth opportunities, Basil and I have spent the last few days trying to come up with our New Year’s resolutions. We’ve decided to set one goal and pursue it together. But what should it be? To get more rest? To design a new and improved strategy to catch that bird on a stick?

Basil and I couldn’t help but notice that we are the only members of this household who have been discussing New Year’s resolutions. And let me tell you, it wouldn’t hurt any of those clowns to set some personal goals for 2008. So here are some suggestions for Mommy, Daddy, that other guy, and that other lady:


Resolution #1: I will not be stingy with food.

You’d think that, with four adult humans living in this house, a kitty’d be fed a bit more regularly. The current meal schedule includes giblets in the morning and crunchy bits in the evening. That’s just two mediocre meals a day, and there’s a lot of time in between them. If each and every human household member would step up and feed us daily (it only takes a few minutes, people), that would bring us up to four meals a day, which seems much more humane.

It’s not just the kitty feeding schedule that should change – it’s the general attitude about sharing food. For example, Daddy eats a lot of bread. I like bread. In fact, I love bread. But does Daddy ever share his bread with me? No. He doesn’t. And Mommy loves pasta. But does she share with me? No. She doesn’t. And that other lady eats a lot of turkey sandwiches. But does she share with me? Hardly ever. I’ll sit next to her, try to sniff the sandwich, bat her on the knee with my paw, maybe let out a small whine … you know, just generally demonstrate my interest in the turkey sandwich. It’s not like I’m asking for the whole thing. She could just give me the turkey and bread and keep the tomato for herself. But she's just so unreasonable. And that other guy eats a lot of … well, actually, he eats a lot of lemons. I don’t like lemons. He’s excused from this resolution.


Resolution #2: I will involve all household members in decision-making.
Mommy, Daddy, that other guy, and that other lady have a tendency to act without first seeking and considering the feline perspective. Case in point: A few weeks ago, the humans let a bunch of loud and scary people into the house to drink and eat (nobody shared anything with the kitties, FYI) and stomp around in an intimidating manner. Did anyone mention this to Basil or me ahead of time? No. Of course not. We’d had big plans to snooze on the sofa – plans that had been in the works for six or seven hours – but, at the last minute, we had to drastically alter our plans and snooze in secret hiding places on the third floor. All because nobody consulted with us first. We’re reasonable kitties. We wouldn’t have said, “No, don’t invite scary people over.” We’d have said, “Great! Let’s invite the neighbor kitties!” And we’d have taken our naps earlier in the day.

Then there’s the way they plant the garden, using valuable digging space to grow flowers and herbs. Don't get me wrong, now. I like herbs. They are delicious and fun to chew on. But, c’mon, people! Kitties need to dig and roll around in the dirt! Leave a little patch of ground unsown, would ya?

And then there’s that damn CD they made last month. It’s supposed to be a collection of songs that the household members listened to in 2007. But two household members are conspicuously unrepresented: Basil and me. How insulting. They got what they deserved, though: Instead of a fun CD with quality tunes from Fergie (Basil’s choice) and FloRida featuring T-Pain (my choice), they have a ridiculous compilation of trash by “artists” like Grinderman, Madonna, Radiohead, and #*&%ing Matt Costa. I mean, who the hell is Matt Costa? And Arcade Fire. I am sooo tired of Arcade Fire.


Resolution #3: I will spend more time with my family.
This one is primarily for Mommy and Daddy, who often neglect us. Right now, for instance, they are traveling overseas, spending the holidays with their “family”. Well, excuse me, but if making yourself available for cuddles EVERY DAY for your whole life doesn’t make you family, I don’t know what does. Basil and I are ALWAYS there for Mommy and Daddy, through thick and thin, even though, as previously mentioned, they feed us only twice a day. We guard the downstairs at night, we run around in circles to alert them when there’s a scary noise, and we sniff them thoroughly whenever they come home. All we ask in return is a little snuggly family time.


So there you have it. Our humble recommendations for our humans’ New Year’s resolutions. We hope that Daddy, Mommy, that other guy, and that other lady will give them the consideration they deserve. As for Basil and me, I think we’ve settled on our resolution: To spend more time outdoors. So if you’ll excuse me, I need to go meow by the back door.