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I'm outraged, and you will be too when you finish reading this sentence and discover that I WAS ONCE AGAIN OVERLOOKED BY THE NEW YORKER CARTOON CAPTION CONTEST!!

This time, the illustration shows a pregnant man in a shirt & tie talking to a not pregnant man in a shirt & tie. My entry was: "She told me she loved me."

The finalists' entries are:

"She told me she had protection." [Very similar to mine, but without the implication that he fell for a pickup line.]

"The ultrasound says it's a keg of Bud Light." [My theory? A multimillion product placement deal between the New Yorker and Budweiser.]

"No one expects an immaculate conception until it happens to him." [I have nothing to say here, but I need to leave a comment in brackets for continuity's sake.]

What I need is a cartoon to which I can apply one of the hilarious real-life quotes I've heard during the past couple of weeks. A sampling of my favorites:

Favorite quote from Maria about Valentine's Day: "It's so stupid. Who wants to fall in love in the middle of February?"

Favorite quote by a stranger: "If you can't fart in a bathroom, where CAN you fart?"

Favorite pickup line: "Your eyes are like ... " [Loooooong pause while he tries to think of something. Tip for men: Don't start this sentence if you don't have a REALLY good ending. Actually, there is no good ending. Just don't start this sentence. By the way, the pause here was probably longer than it's taking you to read this.] " ... like ... They're like cashews! Your eyes are like cashews!!" [Insert my uncontrollable laughter. Other people start staring.] "Well, wait, wait, not cashews, really. But definitely some kind of nut." [Laughter becomes even more uncontrollable. Did somebody really just say this to me? Nobody around me can believe it, either. LOTS of staring.] "Definitely a nut. Like a walnut. Your eyes are like a walnut. I mean, not the inside, not the walnut, but, like, the SHELL of a walnut. Your eyes are like the shell of a walnut."

I'd like to see a cartoonist draw THAT.