7 Deadly Sins...got it, got it, need it, got it...

So I recently was indulging in my favorite past time...cheesy TV shows on DVD...Charmed was the show Du Jour (I just love me some Shannon Doherty...or is it Shannen...who cares she is hot...kidding...I love her for her mind, that and she played Chad Allen's sister on "Our House" which also starred Wilfred Brimley of Quaker Oats fame, and of course she was the ever loveable Brenda Walsh on "90210" I need the DVD's! Do you remember the episode of 90210 when she was a waitress at The Peach Pit and she did it as "Laverne", I loved that episode...but I digress almost seven lines of typing and I am still in parentheses)
So any poop in Charmed they got infected with the Seven Deadly Sins...and as I watched I was like OH MY GOD (GOD being the operative word there) I realized I have like most of the symptoms!! I know what you are thinking, yes sometimes I am a bit of a hypochondriac, but this time it is really true!! Not like the time I thought I had an ovarian cyst that turned out to be gas...I am S.D.S positive

Envy: got it...That's why I don't go to the gym, HELLO!! I don't want to SEE that!! All these guys with these perfect bodies that I don't have and really want! Talk about coveting thy neighbor!!

Anger: got it...Another reason why I just don't go to the gym. Instead of finding motivation from those disgusting freaky people with hot bodies (or as I like to refer to them as the "Corpulently Challenged")! I end up hating them and wanting them to die! If I can't look like that no one will, off with there heads! Just call me "Mary Drama Queen of Scotts" Ps-I drive, take the subway, and walk around NYC...of course I have anger and high blood pressure!

Gluttony: got it...That's why I should really being using that gym membership that is hanging on my key chain. Actually I am trying out a new theory it is called "Working-Out by Osmosis, what I do is simply carry the card in my pocket this tricks my body into believing that I actually go to the gym. The Theory: "Work-Out Osmosis" occurs as a large amount of potential "work-out" from the semipermiable-gym-membernouship diffuses into a flabby body that is completely devoid of "work-out." It is all very ground breaking, So far I have gained 10 pounds but I am not getting discouraged because I am pretty sure that it is all muscle...(god I could really go for a slice of pizza right now ok make it a whole pizza...what did you say "buy one for regular price, four bucks, four bucks"...ok make it three...thats a deal and then I can have some for breakfast!!)
Also coming this fall my latest theory... "Workout By Proxy" the basic hypothesis is as follows...step 1: sign up for a year long gym membership...step 2: don't use the gym membership for the first six months...step 3: give your membership card to a good friend and let them use the gym for the next 6 months (if you have properly followed step 2, the people at the gym will have no clue what you actually look like hence assuming that your friend is really you) the result: because the membership is still in your name then your friend does all the work while you secretly reap the health benefits...now this may not seem fair to said friend...but he weighs 135 pounds and can't gain weight to save his life so I say fuck him...I need it more that he does!! see also-SLOTH

Lust: got it...I don't think this is the venue for me to chat about my naughty bits...but lets just say I have not obstained from the pleasures of the flesh...and I just rented "Guys Gone Wild: Dude Where's My Pants" (ok it was just for laughs...but still I think that counts as a little bit of sin)

Greed: got it...Defined as the desire for material wealth or gain. Ok I am not sure if I have that one. I mean I just want to be rich and own like alot of pointless stuff that I have no use for! Is that greed? I am thinking maybe it is! Oh yeah and by the way once I have all this pointless stuff, I am thinking that I probably don't really want to share it so much. But, that's not really greed so much as left over resent from when I was growing up and there was this kid named Jerry Walker who had unnaturally huge ears and an affinity for sneaking into my room and breaking all my toys! Well, you know that just left a nasty taste in my mouth (the toy breaking, not the ears they were just odd). I hate you Jerry Walker you freak!! You broke the wings off of my Voltron and I am still pissed about it!! And NOW you have ruined it for everybody else who comes along in MY life and wants to touch MY stuff and they can't because of you...and I hope you can live with that guilt!!

Sloth: got it...Well, this is what I do instead of GOING to the gym! Pure and simple if it can't be accomplished by hitting the "ON DEMAND" button on my universal remote control then I just can't be bothered by it! PS-what a great invention, I can control the whole universe without leaving my bed! That is like sloth, greed, and gluttony with a dollop of sour cream in a crispy tortilla shell, then a layer of cheese, and finished off with a flat bread taco shell. It is the "7-Layer Sin Cheesy Gordita Crunch" new from Taco Bell and it comes with your choice of salsa: mild, hot, or our new "Fires of Hell!" Now, if that is not piquant I just don't know what is. And, you don't even have to run for the border to pick it up. No, you can have it delivered! I like to have my food with an extra side of Sloth, so what I do when I order-in is I actually just leave a copy of my house key with the delivery boys and have them bring my meal to me right in bed!! (disclaimer--if you order your food this way, as I do...don't forget to ask for extra napkins...)

Pride: well yeah, duh of I course I have tons of...ummm...ummm...wait I don't think I have any pride...how is that possible...it specifically says that Pride is the sin from which all others arise...so how is it that I have none, I mean I have all the rest of them! Well poop, I guess have NO pride...I don't even think I have Gay Pride...all the colors have run out of my rainbow, I cut myself on a rusty upside down pink triangle, and I totally forgot to celebrate diversity.
Thank god, at least I am not a full blown sinner...that makes me feel a alot better...as long as I can remain Pride-free I can put off RSVP-ing my invitation to Hell...

to learn more about "The Seven Deadly Sins" here are my friends and yours the Gummi Bears...